In the title I use the word tenacious because this is how I think of God’s love for us and for all creation. God is a tenacious lover. The old image of God as the “Hound of Heaven” comes to mind. No matter where we are lost and no matter where we have fled God pursues us as a hound pursues a scent.

Psalm 139 says it well:

⁷ Where can I go from your spirit?
Or where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
And your right hand shall hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
And the light around me become night.”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
The night is as bright as the day,
For darkness is as light to you. ”

And I John 4:11 adds, “Beloved, since God loved us so much, we also ought to love one another.” When we are at our best our love, like God’s, is tenacious. We want to belong to another’s heart and we want them to belong to our heart. It is in this understanding of tenacious love that Jesus speaks to the inevitable conflict that arises in churches, in families and in our world.

The translations we have of scripture uses the “s” word; “If a brother sins against you…” As I have taught in the Amazing Grace seminar the Greek word we translate as “sin” is “αμαρτια” which is not a breaking of rules but a missing of the mark, a failure to be all God has made us to be, a failure to love. Jesus recognizes that we sometimes fail each other in our relationships as brothers and sisters, as members of a family, even as church. Jesus offers us a way to reconciliation when a relationship somehow fails to be what we know it could be; when such a failure threatens to rip open wounds and scar our joy and life. Jesus shows us a way to recover the relationship and our peace.

I see at least five pieces of wisdom in today’s passage; 1) conflict is inevitable, 2) be tenacious, 3) get help, 4) handle with care, 5) see number 2.

The first piece of wisdom is that in every relationship there will be conflict. Jesus wouldn’t raise the issue if it weren’t so. Jesus thoughts are confirmed in our experience. We have failed others in love and others have failed us in love. We have sinned against each other. It is what we call our human condition and why we are so dependent upon grace, grace from God and grace from each other, for healing salvation.

It amazes me when couples complain to me that “I don’t understand how he (or she) could have done that.” I want to say, “It is easy, they got up in the morning, they got dressed, and they were human.” I am still somewhat surprised when someone says, “How can they act like that in the church?” I say, “They are human, a mixture of failure and grace.” It is an inherent part of being human that we will fail in love and be in conflict with each other. Maybe when the creation is complete we will love perfectly. But for now conflict remains with us. The question is not, “How can it exist?” The question is, “When it comes, what are we going to do about it?”

The second piece of wisdom is to be tenacious in reconciliation. Sometimes relationships are treated as if they were expendable like an empty milk jug that needs squashed and disposed. But we are not milk jugs and if we are to hear again the words, “I love you” then we must stick with each other in seeking reconciliation.

Being parents can try our tenacity in love. I remember Gayle Sandholm, an old friend and pastor, once telling me that sometimes you just have to sit back and watch your children like they are a bad movie. But Gayle never recommended leaving the theater. And when the show was over he and Deanne were always there with their kids to get the reviews and to plan the next show. They never gave up.

Living in our world of hunger, war and wounds can also try our tenacity to love. Sometimes we are tempted to walk out on this very bad movie. Jesus asks us to not give up in loving our world.

The third piece of wisdom I see in today’s passage is “when necessary, get help.” Jesus recommends a process of escalating assistance. If being tenacious and going alone doesn’t work then take another with you. If that doesn’t work then take the whole congregation. The advice is to involve others in the reconciliation process as needed. As you know, sometimes our determination to love is not enough. When this is true, and you will know when it is true, seek help.

Sometimes the issues involved and the intensity and history of our failure demands professional help. A part of our ministry is Samaritan Counseling. Barbara and Laurence are available to you in this building.1  Barbara Brown - 425-844-9956; Laurence Hill - 425-844-9956 We sponsor and support Samaritan Counseling Services because we know that sometimes tenacious love needs help.

The fourth piece of wisdom underlies all Jesus teaches about relationships and I offer it as a reminder, “Handle with care.” When in conflict speak with love. This has been called “fighting fairly.” It is my experience that in the process of seeking reconciliation it is absolutely essential to “fight fairly.”2 Searching the web for “Fighting Fairly” you will find useful articles for marriage.  But the principles are the same for fighting fairly in any conflict. This can be tough when in the heat of conflict and we need forgiveness to continue. Some of the basic principles to fighting fairly are:

1. Speak to the other person. Jesus says, “Go alone to your brother.” It would seem obvious that if we need to resolve something it is best to speak with the person with whom we are conflicted. However, we sometimes complain to a friend before speaking with the other. This complaining is different than using a trusted friend for advice. Complaining without a true desire for reconciliation deepens the failure, the sin. So if love has failed speak directly with the person involved.
2. Use active listening skills. Before we defend ourselves and attack the other it is best to listen and understand the other’s view and wounds. When we understand the other well enough to accurately repeat their pain then we are ready to speak our pain. Reconciliation can only come where mutual understanding exists.
3. Speak for yourself. Talk about how you feel and not about how the other makes you feel. We are to own our feelings and resist blaming someone else for them. Others don’t make us angry or sad. Our response is what determines our feelings. Using “I statements” like “Because I love you, I worry when you…” Speaking for your own feelings lowers the defensive and offensive battles that prevent healing.
4. Seek to affirm the other’s feelings rather than deny them. To is much better than Instead of saying, “You always bring that old stuff up when you are wrong and know it,” say “I understand you feel hurt…” Affirming the other’s feelings and fears is an opening to genuine conversation.
5. Seek a way for everyone to win. In a conflicted relationship of love if one person loses then everyone loses. It only takes one loser for love to be broken. The only loving outcome to any conflict is when a way is found for both people to win.
6. Be patient. Reconciliation can take time. All of life’s crises do not have to be solved in the morning rush over breakfast. Listening before answering, considering the others feelings, taking time out between rounds to cool off, hanging in there when it is tough, spending time together, sometimes waiting months in silence for the next movement all require patience. Conflict, especially conflict over truly important things with truly important people, can move slowly, but it moves souls together.

So please, handle each other with care.

The fifth and final piece of wisdom from today’s scripture is a repeat; continue being tenacious. There are times when resolution of conflict is not possible for us. There have been times in my life when the conflict was no surprise, when I persevered, sought help, tried to fight fairly and still the relationship broke. Jesus says when your best efforts fail, “Let that one be to you as a Gentile or Tax Collector.” In the Hebrew tradition this would mean let the relationship go. Let them be to you as a foreigner or as someone who offends God, even as an enemy of God.

But in the Jesus’ tradition the Gentile and the Tax Collector matter. Like lost sheep, lost coins, lost children, Jesus seeks to find and love the lost. This is God’s way of tenacious love. To God the Gentile and the tax collector always matter, always deserve love, and are always held near to the divine heart. Even those who would choose to be the enemies of God, those who betray Jesus and nail him to the cross, are the recipients of forgiving compassion. God finds ways to love us even if we will not love God. God’s love is tenacious.

This parable is about more than our reconciliation with each other. It is also about God through Jesus seeking a healing of relationship with us. God comes to us alone and asks to be heard. When that fails, God comes to us with our friend Jesus and asks to be heard. And should that fail as well God comes to us as church.

When all that fails, God comes to us as if we had lost our way and offers to love us and to heal us even as we reject God. In God’s love it is not necessary for us to return the love for it to seek the best for us. God loves us with a servant love even when we run and hide.

In the broken loves of our lives, if we are true to our godly nature, then our love must be tenacious. It is not necessary for the other to love us or even like us for us to continue to serve them with lovingkindness. Yes we may lose a friend but that doesn’t mean we quit praying for their best. And yes, we may find ourselves needing to divorce because we cannot live together but that doesn’t mean we stop caring and praying for each other’s well being. And even yes, we may need to find another congregation because we cannot find healing where we are but that doesn’t mean we stop offering lovingkindness and prayers of support.

So when the inevitable conflict comes do not be surprised, be tenacious in seeking healing, get help, and fight fairly. If this works then you have regained a friend. But if it doesn’t work then continue to be tenacious in lovingkindness even as God is tenacious in lovingkindness with us.

Shalom and Amen.